Dynamics of Intimacy.
Updated: Jan 2, 2021
(Excerpted from James Hollis' book - Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life.
Flight from darkness drives us to anyone's arm/ any arms but the darkness only grows.
Romantic fantasy which rivals with materialism is more powerful, seductive and delusory. Its essence being that there's someone out there who is right for us, soulmate/magical other, long-sought soulmate, one who will repair our wounds/take care of us.
Why do we, longing for a relationship, sabotage the few that we already have even avoid the task that is asks of us?
It is easier to be disappointed in the other than call ourselves into account.
Relationships begin with Projection and later accompanied by transference.
Projections and transference implies that we reflexively impose past experiences, agenda or understanding onto a new situation. (Using the older lenses to look
Therefore, whenever we meet a new person, we still employ the historic experiences and past agendas hence distortion of the new character.
There are so many repetitions in relationships which reflect on our reflexive strategies we adopted during childhood as covered in my subsection ( Existential Wounding and Programming of our sense of self).
An abused child will tend to seek an abusive partner, or one who is easily controlled. Similarly, one who grew with impaired parent/family member will be drawn to a troubled soul so as to enact role of caretaker; all this happen unconsciously.
If we wish to improve our relationship, we should ask, " What am I projecting or transferring to the other person?"
Spousal violence derives from failure to honour reality of the other when it does not conform to our projective expectations.
Consciously loving the other obliges risk, courage in times of ambiguity and strength of tolerance. Lacking this qualities, you will never have a relationship and hence not live fully.
The more we wish that the other to repair our wounds, meet our needs and protect us from growing, the more dissatisfying the relationship will prove over the long haul.
Kids fall in and out of love in a moment's whim. Big people ride shifting tides, intimacy/distance, defense/openness and grow through toleration of ambivalence and ambiguity.
We can't have a good relationship with the other if we can't have a good one with our own selves.
Risking to love someone also means being open to larger suffering as well.